I’m thinking today about a morning spent after a weekend of imaginable grief. I’m thinking about the friends huddled together in a house, staring blankly at walls wondering how it all went so wrong, how temporary and unfair and hard life can be after one ends. I’m thinking about the trauma and the horror it is to watch someone you love die, and, worse, how you just stood by watching, letting it happen for fear of losing your own life. I’m thinking about the mother who lost her child, who watched him slip away, the same child she nursed and laughed with and was frustrated by.
And I’m thinking about getting up three days into your grief, the sadness replaced by a whole-body numbness, and getting dressed, and preparing spices, and grabbing your friend and walking down to the graveyard, her, leaning on you, and you, leaning her, still trying to comprehend and accept and move on. And I’m thinking about getting there, finding nothing and being told that my friend, my son, my brother, is not there but lives again. That fear and that hope and that surreal heart-stopping unbelievable statement. And I picture you running back to tell your friends, to wonder and laugh and cry again with them. To have sense talked back into you, to know it was all some cruel joke. And then how it felt to see him, to touch his scars and to feel him. To believe in that unshakable, unfaltering, tangible way you do when you see it with your own two eyes, and yet to still not fully understand it, to question even that which your hands have felt and your eyes have seen. And that moment: to know him again and to get a second chance to say whatever it was that you didn’t get a chance to before he was killed, to laugh, to cry, to spit in the face of death and claim your ultimate victory, your last laugh, your final word.
And then I think about the leaving again, the change in plan, in understanding. How you thought this meant you would get more time together, more chances to laugh and to cry, eternity stretching out in front of you like an endless summer day. And watching him ascend back into the heavens, back away from you, and feeling that pit settle back inside of you of facing every single day with the loss of him, this real, human friend. And those questions you have, and the doubt.
But most importantly, the hope. The hope of going home, of belonging, of wrapping him up in your arms and hugging so tight you can feel his heartbeat next to yours. And doing it again and again and again for forever, for eternity, for a lifetime of lifetimes.
This is what the Easter season means to me. The hope beyond all hope. The ugly tears and the bubbling laughter. The victorious question – “where is it? Where, O Death, is your sting?” The promises and the second chances and, above all else, the unshakeable, undeniable, unfettering knowledge that I don’t deserve any of it. That I was the denier, the blood-coin exchanger, the stoner, the whipper, the nails and the thorny crown. Yet still, this hope is mine. And on this Easter Sunday, on a bus ride from Portland to Seattle, I take refuge in that hope. I take joy. And I feel the closest to truly thankful that I ever do.
Happy Easter, my dear friends. May you take this hope in both hands, dirty as they are, and rejoice.
I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a couple weeks! I was on spring break and then trying to reenter into a new quarter (and am somehow already drowning). Regardless, new reviews will be coming at you Tuesday!
That said, I am desperately seeking books that are either:
a) Non-fiction books about Norway/Sweeden/Finland/Iceland/etc.
b) Fiction books written by Norwegian authors in ENGLISH
c) Fiction books written by Norwegian authors in NORWEGIAN
d) Middle-grade/beginning chapter books in NORWEGIAN
If you know of any, please comment below, message me, tweet me, or recommend to me on Goodreads!
I will seriously love you forever.
Thanks!! Like I said, I will have regular content every Tuesday again starting April 4th!
Let me briefly explain my friend group. There’s the native Alaskan, whose mom is from Mexico and whose paternal grandfather was a tribal chief. There’s the Hawaiians, one of which attended a cultural charter school and was recently featured in a documentary on the effects relearning native Hawaiian culture has on students. And there’s the friend who speaks fluent Spanish to her mother when she’s on the phone.
Then there’s me, not lacking in cultural heritage, but lacking any link to it. My great grandmother was full Norwegian, and raised by her grandparents who had traveled through Ellis Island in search of a better life in America. She spoke fluentely, and learned English, as many immigrant children do, as a means of survival. It is partially in honor of her, who tried desperately to get her children to learn norsk, and partially to have more respect for my own roots and life, that I decided, on the eve of my twentieth birthday, to learn Norwegian and more about my Nordic heritage. I want to explore Norwegian culture, but not forget about the Danes and the Swedes (even though we’re supposed to hate them).
Who am I? Where do I come from? What is my purpose? All of these questions have haunted me, and now that I’m finally sitting down to pursue them, I’ve felt a joy and a passion I’ve never felt before.
Over the next few years, I’ll be blogging occasionally about my experience hunting down my Norwegian heritage. You can expect to see more Nordic books in my book reviews, hear about my struggles trying to pin down indefinite and definite nouns (which is somehow harder than I thought it would be), and (hopefully in a couple years) see some pictures from my Nordic vacation.
I’m excited to be going down this path, and I hope you’re looking forward to walking with me.
A new pair of shoes, lovers, and your kidneys (usually) all have something in common: they come in pairs. Sometimes, being alone is just what the doctor ordered, but other times we want to be with that special someone. Reading is no different! I thought it’d be fun to discuss some books to read together, or to read one right after the other. I got this idea after watching some videos on Youtube. Happy reading!
Book Two:A Thousand Miles from Nowhere by John Gregory Brown (Goodreads)
Get your classic and contemporary fix on, by reading these two books one right after the other (starting with The Awakening). John Gregory Brown models his 2016 novel after the classic feminist novel of 1899 (and frequently references it throughout). The Awakening is an excellent book and one of my all time favorites. But your appreciation for the struggles it details will be deepened by the modern application of them in A Thousand Miles From Nowhere.
* For another book-ception combination, try 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and All The Light We Cannot See*
The Heart and Soul of Protests
Book One: Your Heart is a Muscle the Size of a Fist by Sunil Yapa (Goodreads)
In today’s political climate, protests are a normal part of everyday life. To best understand them, why not take pick up a non-fiction and fiction perspective on protesting. In Yapa’s fast paced debut, you’ll walk alongside a host of different fictionalized characters set against the very real World Trade Organization protests. You’ll meet cops, activists, and businessmen caught in the middle. Add Jones’ memoir, and you’ll get a feel for his life in the LGBT+ rights movement. Both take place on the West Coast, and each has a distinctive attitude towards protesting. I think it’d be fun to read the two together!
Book Two: The Kennedy Detail by Gerald Blaine (Goodreads)
Another pairing of non-fiction and fiction books, these are just two of a host of books about John F. Kennedy. In Stephen King’s novel, Jake Epping, a high school English teacher is tasked with going back in time to save President John F. Kennedy’s life. There’s just one problem: he can only go back in time on one specific date, years before the assassination takes place. In Blaine’s memoir, he paints a wonderful picture of who the President was, and the horrendous manner in which he died. Together, you’d get quite the picture of one of the nation’s most iconic presidents.
Book One: Harmless Like You by Rowan Hisayo Buchanan (Goodreads)
Book Two: Happy Family by Tracy Barone (Goodreads)
These two are both fiction books that feature mothers abandoning their young children. In both cases, this abandonment plants deep seeds that affect their adult relationships. Both children are in sinking marriages and have complications with their own children (or lackthereof). I read these two separately, but close together, and I really feel the pair would work well together.
I hope you enjoy this list! Let me know if you read any of these combinations, or tell me what the best books to read in pairs are. Sometime in the distant future I’ll post another list.
Happy reading! 🌸
Exciting news! I’m getting my act together and there will hopefully be posts every week from now on! This week is my reading wrap up for February (in case you couldn’t tell) and next week I’ll be sharing some ideas for books to read in pairs! Anyway, here’s this wrap up! Sorry it’s so short – bad reading month!
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
If your reaction to this heading is “Ben, are you telling me this was your first time ever reading TKaM and you didn’t actually read it in my seventh grade LAS class?” then Hi, Mrs. Lloyd – I’m sorry for disappointing you. I also didn’t read Lord of the Flies (but I’ve read it now), but I did read Animal Farm so I think it balances out. Anyway, for the rest of you, I take it you either know what Mockingbird is about, or you’re basing your decision to read it/not read it, solely based on its legacy (which is why I did) so I just skipped the little blurb I normally put.
I might lose some readers over this, but I didn’t love this. My biggest issue with To Kill a Mockingbird was the characters. I thought the characters were shallow and undeveloped. Scout and Jem are very unlike children in their wisdom and predictability. Atticus and other town members are boring to accompany around, being entirely good, or entirely bad, with little character development or complexity. To read my full review click here. (3.5 Stars)
When We Rise: My Life in the Movement by Cleve Jones
When We Rise is a deeply relevant, if somewhat boring, look into the history of Cleve Jones’ historic life of LGBT+ rights and protests. Jones covers his own journey into historic and widespread activism, including his friendship and apprenticeship under Harvey Milk. He details his long fight for equality, beginning on the streets of San Francisco and moving into D.C.
At a time of Milo Yiannopoulos, and other, predominately white, gay males, forgetting their history of activism and struggle, and a time when a large portion of Americans regard marches and protests as lazy entitlement, it is both refreshing and humbling to see the benefits of the activist culture. I would strongly recommend this to anyone irritated at Womxn Marches or the #BlackLivesMatter movement. Change is a slow and bitter uphill battle, and protests are sometimes the only way to wake others up. When We Rise isn’t a great book, but it is a necessary one.
*PS: If you’re looking to save space on your TBR pile, but are still interested in this story, check out When We Rise, a new miniseries airing Monday nights on ABC*
A Thousand Miles from Nowhere by John Gregory Brown
Henry Garrett speeds away from his home as Hurricane Katrina tears into the Louisianian coast, destroying everything in her path. But destruction is familiar to Henry. He has lost his marriage, his inheritance, his job, his sanity. So when he pulls up to a rundown motel in Virginia, hoping for a brief reprieve of chaos, it’s no surprise he finds himself in the middle of a horrific and unexplainable tragedy. What is surprising, however, is his journey to discover what a man possesses when everything he has has been lost.
Brown’s novel triumphs. His prose is haunting and lyrical, without ever sounding pretentious, and his style echos Henry’s transformation. In the beginning, Brown paints in confusing tones and jarring perspective shifts. But as Henry gains clarity, Brown does too. For anyone who has ever been loved by art, made mistakes, or reached rock bottom, John Gregory Brown’s disastrous novel will be a trusted and loved companion. (Full Review) (3.5 Stars)
The Backstagers #1 by James Tynion IV and Rian Sygh
Jory moves to an all boys, private school “St. Genesius” and struggles to fit in. After some encouragement from his mom, he joins the drama club. The two diva brothers who run the drama department send him on an assignment to travel backstage in search of a prop. What Jory finds instead amazes him. A whole world exists beyond the backstage door, full of wonderful new friends and terrifying creatures. Could backstage be the place Jory finally belongs?
It isn’t my style to pick something up simply because it features LGBT characters, but when I stumbled on a list compiled by Book Riot, I was too intrigued not to click it. And when I found a graphic novel that surrounded technical theater, I could not not pick it up. I was a stage manager in high school, and worked professionally in the community circuit my freshman year of college. I had high hopes going in to this series, and the first instillation blew me away. The characters are so interesting and the story is compelling. The art is beautiful (even in my Kindle black and white) and I so look forward to what’s next!! I’ll do a full series review when I finish, so be on the look out for that! (4 Stars)
School Reading: Tally’s Corner by Elliott Liebow (3 Stars), All Our Kin by Carol Stack (4 Stars)
In March, I’m hoping to finish reading The Futures, and finish listening to Sing For Your Life and The Underground Railroad. I’d also like to start Britt-Marie Was Here and hopefully get a few more under my belt. Anything I should add to my TBR? Leave a comment below!
I hope your winters are wrapping up nicely. Though winter is my favorite season, I look forward to the spring’s sense of change and excitement. We still have about a month left of winter, though, so I’d like to take a final look back at what books kept me warm this past holiday season.
The Girls by Emma Cline
If you’re like most people, you’ve already read Cline’s debut novel about a group of fictional girls in a Manson Family-like cult. The Girls takes place in Northern California, at the end of the 1960’s. Evie Boyd is a typical teenage girl, fighting with friends and exploring boys, when she stumbles upon a group of beautiful girls walking through the park. Caught up in their allure and charm, Evie joins them on the family ranch, and falls in love with the charming and soon-to-be-infamous cult leader. Before she knows it, Evie’s life is sent into a tailspin.
Emma Cline’s debut novel has good bones but rotting meat. Cline gained her footing in the last moments of the novel, but I had been drug around too long before that to truly enjoy it. Her prose was overwritten and pretentious and her plot was little more than awkward and graphic sex scenes. She wraps up the excitement in the final moments of the novel much too quickly, and moves too slowly before that to capture, or keep, my attention. I’m planning a post where I’ll say more about this, but if you’d like to catch the full review, click here. (2.5 Stars).
Why Not Me? by Mindy Kaling
In her sophomore memoir, Kaling discusses her hit TV show The Mindy Project, life as a woman in Hollywood, and more outrageous stories from her life on and off the camera.
Why Not Me? is a vast improvement over her first book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (and I really enjoyed her debut). There’s something in this book for everyone. There’s anecdotes for the die-hard fans, love stories for the romantic, fictiony fun things for those who just want to be entertained, and an inside look at being a Hollywood boss for everyone in between. If you deserve a treat (and you do), pick this up. It’s a great read from someone who could be your best friend. (4 Stars).
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Santiago, an Andalusian shepherd, dreams of a world beyond his flock – one full of travels and treasure. But it isn’t until an encounter with a strange man that Santiago begins the journey of a lifetime, teaching his readers the importance of acting on one’s dreams.
I know the year has just begun, but The Alchemist is already a serious contender for my worst book of 2017. Coelho doesn’t know how to write. His great brilliance and quotable moments are stifled by his inability to craft a novel. Rather than incorporating his philosophies and wisdom into his novel through metaphor or craft, he will quite literally place a character in the story and say verbatim what he wishes to say. This was lazy and talentless and made for a boring read. His plot is boring, his characters are flat, and his prose is bland. I cannot imagine a more “meh” feeling novel. (Full Review) (2 Stars).
Happy Family by Tracy Barone
Happy Family is full of anything but. Cheri Matzner is the middle-aged version of a child abandoned in an inner city health clinic. Her marriage is in shambles, and, to make matters worse, childless. Her relationship with her parents is complicated, and with little hope of repair as her father has recently passed. Those same parents were the ones who adopted baby Cheri, after suffering a hopeless tragedy that leaves one of them feeling ostracized from the family unit.
A much fuller review will be posted when I review all books published by Lee Boudreaux Books, but overall, Happy Family is a breathtaking debut. Barone’s novel is expertly paced and full of rich and consistent characters. Her plot is a bit scattered, as she changes directions several times, but her overall work is a beautiful tribute to families, broken and otherwise, and I strongly urge you to pick this up. (Full Review) (4 Stars).
Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
You may know Trevor Noah from his stand up comedy, or his new position as the “anchor” of The Daily Show. His accent, look, and comedy are well known. Less known, is his story. The son of a black woman and a white man in the height of South African apartheid, Noah’s very existence was a crime. In his searing and honest memoir, Noah recounts his South African childhood, and sprinkles in a good deal of South African history and culture as well.
As is my style, I knew very little about Trevor Noah before diving into his book. Perhaps for this ignorance, I preferred the essays on South Africa, more than I enjoyed the ones on Noah’s life. But I think my preference came more from my dislike of his portrayal of himself. I didn’t find his anecdotes to be funny or relateable. In fact, I found them to be off putting. Maybe pick this up if you’re a huge fan of Trevor Noah, but otherwise, it really isn’t worth too much of your time. (Full Review) (3 Stars).
Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst
This is a devotional/memoir style Christian book addressing the topic of rejection – rejection from lovers, from friends, and from life itself. It is a story of accepting yourself, and accepting Christ’s love for you in the middle of pain and insecurity.
Not only is Uninvited not too feel-goody, a common pitfall for the genre, but TerKeurst’s theology is deeply developed too. She doesn’t just drop in a Bible verse for fun; she dives into its deeper meaning. Occasionally, she, like many pastors, over-enunciates an incidence’s theological meaning. Sometimes a dinner party really is just a dinner party, and not a divine message about your loneliness. Generally, however, Uninvited is a wonderful portrait of human brokenness and longing, relieved only by a divine maker who is truly all we need. This book came at a critical juncture in my life, and its message is wholly applicable and appreciated. (Full Review) (4 Stars).
You Fall Off, You Get Back On: A Patchwork Memoir by Mary Stobie
Mary Stobie, a former columnist for Rocky Mountain News, gives a peek into her life as an American cowgirl, mother, and friend. Some essays are recycled from her journalism career, and some are brand new to readers. Stobie’s story is one of resilience, triumph, fun, and family.
You Fall Off, You Get Back On is a charming memoir, if a bit disjointed as a collection. She manages to say a lot, yet not make much ground. While her work is funny and full of unique perspectives of a true rural-fringe Denverite, her amateur hand shows. Not that this should be all that surprising or annoying, her book is small market, and blissfully non-pretentious. I walked away from my reading feeling a lovely sort of connection with Stobie, even if it was a bit shallow. If you’re a Denver native, or have fond memories of the Rocky Mountain Post, as I do, feel free to give this a read! You may just reclaim a bit of the old small-town feeling Denver. (3 Stars).
DNF: This Savage Song by Victoria Schwab (2 Star Review); Two By Two by Nicholas Sparks
Let me know what books you read this past month, or if you’ve read anything I have, by posting in the comments below!
As I mentioned in my last post, I know I’ve been missing these! I’m so sorry!! I felt like this list was too big for one post, so check back soon (or follow) for part two!
Love you all!!
The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate – Discoveries From a Secret World by Peter Wohlleben
Peter Wohlleben’s non-fiction best seller focuses on the forests of Europe as living, breathing creatures, with a surprising amount of social interaction and dependency. He uses groundbreaking science to explain how trees communicate, build social networks, and reveals a entirely new world of nature.
My first DNF of the month, Wohlleben’s work is unable to stand on his interesting subject matter alone. As all translations are muddy, it isn’t clear whether this bad prose is Wohlleben’s fault, or a victim of translation. Nevertheless, this book reads like it was written by a third grader (who happens to be very smart in the sciences). No matter how interesting a book is, bad writing simply won’t do, espcially with a book that is comprised of dry science. I wouldn’t recommend unless you are greatly interested in forestry. (2 Stars)
Springtime: A Ghost Story by Michelle de Kretser
Part love story, part ghost story, de Krester’s novella flips the conventions of a typical ghost story on its head. There are no stormy nights here, no abandoned, isolated protagonist. Instead, Frances, a young art historian, spots a ghost in the most unlikely of places – a suburban garden in sunny, subtropical Sydney.
I was really excited for this story, but found it to be too disjointing. de Kretser had an interesting concept with an anti ghost story but she got too distracted. Had this been longer, perhaps it would have been better, but such a short novel was jam packed with too much and it was a letdown. Cannot recommend, unfortunately. (1 Star).
Harmless Like You by Rowan Hisayo Buchanan
This debut novel, due out in February 2017, was the subject of my latest ARC Review you can find here!
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
This National Book Award Winner is an essay-style letter from Coates to his teenage son on what it means to be black in America today. It is part memoir, as Coates explores his time at Howard University, and part history lesson, as Coates explores topics from the Civil War. It is an analysis of the Black Lives Matter Movement, police brutality, and slavery. It has been hailed by Toni Morrison as “required reading,” and can be found on shelves across the nation.
I feel like I missed something. While I appreciated Coates stories and ideas, I longed for more organization. Coates’ work was stylistically disjointed and fast paced, so I felt like I never got my feet underneath me. Between the World and Me was wonderfully written and, when I fully understood and digested, powerful and fresh. But overall, I simply felt I had missed a great many somethings (3 Stars).
The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman
In 1920’s Australia, we meet Tom, a former solider fresh off the Western Front. Craving peace and quiet, Tom takes up a lighthouse keeper’s job on Janus Rock, an island far off the coast. Secluded from society for years at a time, the only company Tom has is his new wife, Isabel. After two miscarriages, the grieving and angry couple gets a second chance at parenthood when a living baby and dead man wash ashore. Isabel decides to keep the baby, whom they name Lucy, and raise her as their own. When they return home, however, Lucy is two, and they remember they aren’t alone in the world. Their choice has devastated one of them.
I enjoyed the end of this book much better than the beginning. Though I consistently felt engaged with the story, and surprised by it, it seldom felt great or strikingly special. I enjoyed reading this, and commend the work for taking control of my emotions so powerfully. It was similar toThe Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society in that it was good and delightful, but not particularly special or well written. A great, easy beach read, but perhaps not entirely deserving of the warm water-cooler recommendations it has received (Full Review). (3.5 Stars)
Another Day in the Death of America: A Chronicle of Ten Short Lives by Gary Younge
On average seven children or teenagers will be murdered by a gun each day in America. Younge’s project focuses on just one day, November 23, 2013. Through extensive research and interviews, Younge located ten people, all between the ages of 9 and 19, who died via gun violence on that day. Detailing their lives, deaths, and social/political factors for them, Younge leaves few stones unturned in his examination of America’s gun problem.
When successful, Younge’s necessary and timely book is a beautiful tribute to dead children, accomplishing, if nothing else, a medium of which to say “I see you.” Its less successful moments came in organization. While most of the chapters (1 chapter per victim) focused on a balanced (or somewhat balanced) mix of story and societal factor, several chapters lacked any balance, if it included both facets at all. Additionally, particularly towards the end, Younge becomes less focused (or, perhaps more so) and drags well beyond the point in which I had lost interest. These were minor points though. Younge’s book makes you cry, seethe in anger, and understand an issue like gun violence as an entity far more complex than extremists on either side of the aisle may lead you to believe (Full Review). (4 Stars).
Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman
Challenger Deep focuses on Caden Bosch. An offbeat novel about life with mental illness, Caden’s story is told in two parallel story lines. In one, he is Caden Bosch: high school student, track team member, and geek. In the other, he is the artist-in-residence of a ship headed straight into Challenger Deep, the southern part of the Marianas Trench. As the two stories collide, Caden will race to make it out alive.
Challenger Deep is an interesting, odd little story. Neal Shusterman paints an incredibly vivid portrait of mental illness in this work, but outside of those suffering from brain illnesses, this novel offers little. While there was a time when my mental illness was parallel to the illnesses of Caden Bosch, I no longer feel the same way that Caden does. So, for me, there was already a bit of a disconnect. Further, while the novel took on an interesting shape to begin with, and was compelling, it quickly stagnated, and fell back into cliches and became repetitive and boring. As a result, I made it out 75% of the way through before abandoning. There just wasn’t enough substance to keep me going. (2.5 Stars).
Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City by Matthew Desmond
The poorest residents of Milwaukee are the focus of Harvard sociologist Matthew Desmond’s powerful fieldwork project. Desmond’s readers journey through the American renting process as two landlords and a host of renters. Some lead happy lives, getting by the best way they can. Others are junkies and addicts, scrambling to get a fix. All, however, are key players in the system of American poverty.
Evicted deserves six stars – it’s that good. Desmond’s project is not only a richly documented field study, it’s an engaging page turner that’s so well structured it reads like fiction. I loved every minute of it. Desmond’s greatest strength is his unflinching honesty. He simply introduces us to a cast of characters, all a little good and a little evil, and draws his truthful conclusions from there. Desmond makes his readers angry, depressed, and hopeful. He makes us so invested that, like a train wreck, we do not dare to turn away. I loved this book. Please, pick it up (Full Review). (5+ Stars). And, to learn how you can help homeless or at risk families and individuals, please visit the author’s site, justshelter.org
The Arrival by Shaun Tan
In silent graphic novel form, Shaun Tan crafts a story about a young immigrant moving to a new country. Infused with horrifying and stunning magical realism, Tan communicates the confusion, terror, and loneliness of the immigrant experience. A timely read, Tan’s masterpiece is a must “read” for anyone hoping to understand the ramifications of a Trump presidency.
It is a common “ice-breaker” question to ask “if the whole world were listening, what would you say?” I’ve never had a good answer to that question, and I still don’t, but if I had all the world’s attention in this moment, as we watch children in Aleppo buried under rubble, as we’re taught to fear our Mexican and Muslim siblings, as we’re waging wars of division, I would simply say “please take Shaun Tan’s message to heart.” Then, I would give each member of the human race a copy of this book to review. While not perfect, and certainty not the best graphic novel out there, The Arrival takes a deeply relevant and important stand, and it does it without ever saying a word (Full Review). (4 Stars).
Let me know what books you read this past month, or if you’ve read anything I have, by posting in the comments below!